Last night I sat down with my wife to watch the new series of Top Gear, which we’d recorded from its new Monday evening spot on Channel 9. (Top Gear was pretty much the same as ever – funny, but often irritating for a dedicated petrol head like me. As ever, she would say, “it’s just entertainment”, every time I started muttering about some sweeping, uninformed statement from Clarkson.)

No, the big shock was viewing Channel 9 for the first time in what felt like years, maybe decades. At least that’s what it looked and sounded like to me. What a culture shock! The same old corny “promo” voiceovers (mostly gravel – voiced old blokes), the cringe-making, sensationalist previews of forthcoming shows – the important expose of  “The Bare –Bottomed Bishop” on Current Affair (!) and even some TV commercials that took me straight back to the eighties.

Frankly, it was hard to believe how little the channel had changed while I’d been away – no wonder ratings have been plummeting – didn’t they consider it might be time for a re-vamp? Re-visiting 9 was like seeing a tragic old rock star, thirty years after they last had a hit. Fatter in the face, wider around the middle, hair much thinner, but cut in the same old retro style, desperately trying to cling to the past as if it was yesterday. Terrified to move on, to get a new haircut or, for the boys club at Channel 9, to recognise that women now watch TV too.

Despite my misgivings about the state of Channel 9, the ratings for Top Gear were higher than ever, which is kind of sad in a way. All those Channel 9 viewers could have enjoyed the Top Gear lads on SBS years ago, but they obviously found the prospect of venturing across to SBS, home of “weird, foreign-speaking news presenters and naughty films with subtitles”, too scary a prospect.

Now though, I realise just how frightening changing channel can be – just a short visit to Channel 9 certainly had me reeling in shock.

Posted by Ian Minter